Wednesday, April 15, 2015

M Is for Meal

Chief Medical Officer: Good morning new crew! Welcome to the Tesla. I’ll be handling your  orientation today. How are you this fine day?

Mukh: My quarters are too dry. This entire ship is far drier than I was led to believe.

C.M.O: Right I’ll see what can be done for you. It’s rough when you do part of your breathing through your skin. Maybe we can modify your uniform further.

Tivk: Can you be more specific in your question doctor? Are you enquiring as to my physical, mental or professional well being?

C.M.O: Not really. It was a social protocol to ask a rhetorical question.

Tivk: It seems rather aloof for a physician. You let Mukh talk about his physiological shortcomings. Are you feigning interest?

C.M.O.: Very well, How are your vital signs? Does the atmosphere mix sit well with you?

Tivk: If it did not I would have appeared at sick call.

C.M.O.: Right. Moving right along ... good grief what were you doing under that desk.

Nok: I was resting. There’s too much light on this ship. We don’t all hail from a type G star system. I like to take my goggles off on occasion.

Mukh: What did you expect doctor? His species is evolved from pouncer stock. Sit and wait. They like to sit and wait and snoop. 

Nok: Fair enough mud dweller.

C.M.O.: Clamp it! Now you are all newly arrived from serving on your own local navies. The Fleet as you may have noticed is mostly staffed with humans.

Tivk: The Fleet is 78% human staff.This ship is 82% human -above average.

C.M.O. Anyway we’re trying hard to make you comfortable and keep you healthy.

Nok: Install some lighting that I do not need sun block to endure.

Mukh: Up the humidity to something bearable. 

C.M.O.: I. WIll. Work. On. It. ... Anyway the Fleet commissary branch has made some new rations they wanted feedback on. The idea is that this meal will provide basic sustenance for all of you and Terrans for at least a week. The ration comes with condiment packs that contain flavorings you will find palatable ...

Mukh: Bets?

C.M.O.: ... as well as vitamin and mineral supplements to maintain your energy levels. Here, each  of you take one.

Tivk: I find it disconcerting and misleading that these condiments are labeled with the names of our species.

Nok: Yes like you Terrans ran around tasting us.

Mukh: Maybe that’s why they always are kissing each other? You can’t trust omnivores. They’ll eat anything.

C.M.O.: Guys work with me here. Open the containers and check them out at least.

Mukh: Hey! Moistened towelettes! Good call. Give me a couple more! Ahhhh! Can I have yours Tivk?

Tivk: No.

Nok: Hey ... the ration comes with a movie! These little cards, see ... ah they’re too bright.

Tivk: I saw this movie.

C.M.O.: The /ration/ consists of carbohydrates in various tubular configurations to aid in even cooking topped with a tangy protein and lipid rich sauce made from vegetable oils  and designed to resemble dairy products .

Mukh: You mammals. It’s all about milk with you. 

Nok: Watch it toad boy.

Tivk: This is macaroni and cheese. Albeit with a movie.

C.M.O.: ... it’s more than that I assure you. What do you know about mac and cheese anyway?

Tivk: I read a lot. This stuff is a cult with you Terrans.

Mukh: Hey my macaronis are shaped like bugs. How thoughtful. It looks ... interesting but ... my kind prefers our meals to be moving. That way you know it’s fresh. 

Nok: Oh for ... (moves the ration back and forth rapidly in front of Mukh).

Mukh: Hey thanks! Omnomnomnom!

C.M.O. Good grief!

Mukh: Hey you gotta eat your food fast or it might get away ... or counter attack!

Tivik: You could replace the microwave emitter in Mr. Mukh’s ration with an agitator to move the macaroni around. Or just have someone shake it.

C.M.O.: Riiiight. Excuse me gentlemen. I’m taking a short break to ehhhh give the chef some feedback. Yeah right.

Nok: You ever notice humans sound a little like dolphins when they get agitated?

Mukh: Makes sense. They evolved from dolphins.

Tivk: Who told you that?

Mukh: This cat girl I met.