Monday, June 1, 2015

Procurement

Captain: Did you find out what's going on?

X.O.: I have preliminary results, sir. Yes, sir. The Marines are outside.

Captain: Get them the hell in here then! This is a priority one communique!

X.O.: Aye-aye sir! Chief, Jenn, get in here.

Captain: Aten-hut!

Chief: Sir!

Jenn: Sir!

Captain: ... Marines. We have a problem. It may make the Slugs and the Big Glowing Head look like kittens play fighting over yarn. It definitely will make us forget about the Warriors and the Enemy fleets. I have one question for you: who in the Hell is Hippolyta and what is she doing aboard this ship?!

Chief: ...

Jenn: ...

Captain: Spill! You first, Marine.

Jenn: Sir, Hippolyta is an nick name for High Power Light Tactical Assault Rifle. ... the 'r' is silent.

X.O.: High power ... that's a shitty acronym.

Chief: Permission to speak sir!

Captain: In a minute. So Hippolyta is a rifle? Okay. Now as to this communique ... why is the Procurement Branch sending me a 240 page interrogation form on an assault rifle? Any ideas, Marine?

Jenn: No sir. With Mr. Tivk's help I tweaked the existing design for the beam rifles into something more useful for plain old killing bad guys. We made six and are testing them on the shooting range with really good feedback so far. So I sent my design specs to Procurement ...

Captain/X.O.: You WHAT?

Jenn: Sir ... meep?

Captain: Did you know about this Chief Sergeant?

Chief: Sir. I knew nothing of the message she sent. I have tested the weapons on the shooting range.

Captain: I don't give a phrog's water tight crack about your fiddling around with modified tech! Didn't you explain to her about Procurement?

Chief: Sir, she has cut her teeth fighting pirates and Slugs, held her ground against cyborgs, beasts and more pirates. I figured I could spare her this at least.

Captain: ... ... Marine, do you have any idea how much this ship depends on logistical support: repair parts, sundries, tools, weaponry, equipment?

Jenn: A lot sir?

Captain: Not at all. We can operate on dark matter fuel indefinitely, fab up darned near anything we need, use the hydro and organic fabs for food production. We can operate away from base for years at a time aside from needing some fresh foods and pharmaceuticals. The problem is Procurement doesn't want that to become common knowledge. Procurement is one of the oldest branches in the Fleet. It's entrenched like an impacted wisdom tooth. It has created lightyears of paperwork to deal with building your own gear so people won't because then ... they all need new jobs ... the bandy-legged pencil necked bean counters!

X.O. You don't care for Procurement, sir?

Captain: ... After last year's uniforms with the shoes sewn into the damn speed suits? I had a whole crew in footie pajamas! Firing squad is too good for them, the number crunching, mealy-mouthed crap weasels. But, this here's the important part, I'm not taking them on with a mere cruiser!!