Friday, December 18, 2015

Imperial Dearth

Ten thousand millennia to the Empire. Hail the Overlord!

After an extensive review of several costly and undignified setbacks the Imperial Ministry of After Action Analyses by Omega Decree has posted new directives for all warlords, satrapists, governors, regents and consuls to follow effective immediately and on pain of forfeiture of rank, holdings, freedom, and a number of limbs.

1) No more super weapons! Seriously the last one took up the production equivalent to a million doomships. We have many, many worlds to patrol and each battle station sized victory weapon can only be in one place at one time. Besides, you can never armor every point on those things.

2) Invest in Q-ships. Seriously, these rebels have dinky assed ships but as with the battle station program, doomships can't be everywhere and the rebels have shown a preference for attacking when there is no doomship within a hundred light years. Some warships disguised as freighters would really take a toll on their high handed glory seeking hit and run assaults.

3) Bounty hunters are a cost effective solution. While our faithful, faceless minions make an enormous contribution to our welfare and safety the rebels have shown a preference for attacking where they are not. Hunting them down is a job for specialists not soldiers chosen for their enthusiasm for swarming. Besides if bounty hunters do not find any rebels we pay them nothing!

4) Archaeology pays off. Effective immediately each sector government will organize an archaeology core. This corps will be tasked with locating and procuring all potentially disruptive artifacts of ancient religions and lost races and transporting them to a secure and heavily booby-trapped location. A mystic makes more trouble for the Regime than an entire fleet. Note that your archaeological missions should contain a mix of athletic types and academics who can unearth ancient tombs without micro-nukes. Also note the Emperor is authorizing emergency grants for creation of secure facilities.

5) Any AI units displaying unique, lovable or otherwise engaging personalities are to be WIPED. Furthermore their owners are to be placed on the watch list. Intelligence has determined a positive correlation between traitors and mechanical sidekicks.

6) Smugglers, pirates, and scoundrels do not need to be spaced in all situations. It has come to the attention of the Ministry of Sociology that most smugglers and low lives are constantly seeking creds to pay off loans and might be willing to inform on rebels for a reasonable sum.

7) Hold all summary executions of senior officers due to failure until further notice. Gentles, this is a no brainer. Each senior officer represents a significant investment in creds, time, and indoctrination. If they didn't do anything right they wouldn't be senior officers for long. Anyone, even an admiral, can have an off day. File the required paperwork, Form 8BLL. Honestly we've even got a short form (8BLL-SF)!

8) Planetary destruction. While this is serious overkill, even for the Regime, some rebels need a strong message. Planetary destruction is still allowed under the following restriction: please make sure the entire royal family is on the planet. Sole surviving royals provide a rallying point for colorful heroes, loyal aliens and mechanical sidekicks. See note 6 above. Honestly, it's better to have the whole royal family offworld. A family of crown toting unemployed moochers doesn't inspire anyone.

This concludes the directives. Remember anything not mandatory is forbidden and you will save the Overlord the price of your disintegration. Have a nice day!