Wednesday, June 1, 2016

The Haumea Effect

Space Fleet Archival Transcript (formerly redacted) (A Looong Time Ago.)

Tivk: This will not end well ...

Commander: Your opinion is duly noted Mr. Tivk. Please report.

Tivk: Aye sir ...

Sparks: Sir, report from Triton base! They have inbound Zangid destroyers! Task force Epsilo and Lambda are engaged and reporting heavy losses.

Commander: Great. They never got past the Oort Cloud defenses before.

Tivk: Do you still want my report?

Commander: Yes. Let's do this weapons test before we wind up testing the new torpedoes on targets that fire back.

Tivk: The torpedo and launcher systems are nominal. Good chance it won't detonate upon firing.

Commander: If it does ... we'll just have to get closer to the damned Zangid before firing them.

Tivk: If it does we will be doing nothing or determining which of our many belief systems are correct. In the later case I recommend summer uniforms for you.

Commander: Target the impact site on Haumea and prepare to fire.

Tivk: Aye sir. Sir?

Commander: Yes?!

Tivk: The Zangid ships in your home system will doubtless see this test. That would be true even if we were using a simple fission device. You have discretion to stop this test. I urge you to.

Commander: The hell with that. They've kicked us in the teeth for three years. Let them see and let them fear. You Taurans ... you're good people but you quit a fight too soon.

Tivk: We have survived in space longer than your people had computers ... or electricity. Perhaps we know something you don't.

Commander: Perhaps the Zangid were otherwise occupied and you got lucky. Ready to fire?

Tivk: Launchers are still cycling. Sir ... Haumea has an abnormally large concentration of Ionite. I am concerned about a secondary reaction ...

Commander: Yes. hopefully we'll crack the crust, be able to get at it easier and fuel the war machine.

Tivk: War is not a machine. It is a fire. New Tauran saying.

Commander: New?

Tivk: We made it up just for you. Launcher cycling completed.

Commander: Fire torpedoes one through three at site alpha. Fir. Fire. FIRE!!

Tivk: Firing.

<<Choooooooooom! Choooooooooom! Choooooooooom!>>

Sparks: Three seconds to impact. Torpedoes on course. Two. One. Impact one!

Tivk: One hundred megaton yield!

Sparks: Impact two!

Tivk: 312 megaton yield.

Sparks: Impact three ... energy spike! Skipper the Ionite in the crust is reacting to the explosi ...

Tivk: Ionite particle wave inc ...

Commander: Full shields forward. Full retro ...

<<Bwathoom!>>

<<Crackle! Crackle! Sprrrrrttz!>>

Tivk: Damage control reporting ... damage to all decks. Injuries all decks ... casualties ...

Commander: Koff koff. Transfer to auxiliary command center. And add me to the injured list. I think this bone is not supposed to be sticking out.

Tivk: You are in shock. Let me help you. Sparks, you have the conn I suppose.

Commander. Yes, what the beanpole said.

Tivk: Let me get the hatch. Congratulations. The test was a success.

Commander: To put it mildly ... we are the ... destroyers of worlds. Small ones anyway.

Tivk: Yes. You can destroy worlds ... and the Zangid now know it. They were throwing half their fleet at you before and now ... you are a real threat.

Commander: My God ...

Tivk: Your God has competition and it's you.

One of the more interesting species specific powers in Spore is the ability to destroy an entire planet. I came upon it by accident (this is what happens when your race evolves from a suitably vicious animal). Needless to say I used it because I the player am human. Humans would keep a weapon around that would fracture history and stop the Big Bang just in case. Also I was losing a fight.

... and three formerly friendly and hospitable governments turned hostile to me.

Building a doomsday weapon is the mark of an up and coming empire or evil genius. Not everyone will like that. Keep it in mind.