Monday, November 23, 2015

Mall Ware

Planet Liberty Shopping Mall
Exec: Thanks for helping us out, Chief.

Chief: No problem ma’am. It’s my pleasure.

Jenn: Thanks likewise, Sergeant Major.

Chief: Corporal.

Exec: Ooh. Designer clothing half off!

Jenn: Squee!

Chief: …

Exec: Chief, wait out here please.

Chief: Aye. Bless you ma’am.

Exec: And hold this for me.

Chief: Ma’am! With all due respect and courtesy …

Exec: It’s a purse. Spank my butt and call me Missy! Don’t tell me you’re into gender roles?

Jenn: Ain’t that ma’am. He has a bigger one hisself. But that’s a civilian bag. Look at him, the man wears his class A uniform on his day off.

Exec: Don’t make me order you on my day off, Marine.

Chief: Aye ma’am.

Jenn: Here, Chief my bag can keep hers company.

Chief: We ain’t shopping forever, girl. Best you remember that.

Exec: Thank you.

Chief: <Dire Mutterings.> Eris said there’d be days like this.

Bonk. Bonk.

GAIA: Malfunction. Please advise the nearest Fleet personnel.

Chief: GAIA? What in the …

GAIA: Malfunction. Please advise the nearest Fleet personnel. A Marine will do …

Chief: Hey! What are you walking into walls for, girl bot?

GAIA: Distress signal terminated … I accessed the Mall wifi … so many pop ups! I … go away. No I don’t want to change my internet browser! Help?

Chief: Take my arm. Goddamn pop ups is what started the AI rebellion! I lost three toes when my toaster went rogue.

GAIA: … does everyone I know have a story about the Uprising?

Chief: Probably. Toast is pretty common. Here, sit down. Hey you’re wearing a little black dress.

GAIA: Technical Officer fabricated one for me. LBD Mark 3. Not very durable. The shoes were from Ms. Riasi … when she was human?

Chief: She made a hell of a human, she did.

GAIA: Anecdotal evidence and biometric data for male crew corroborates.

Chief: Anyway I like your new desktop.

GAIA: I like your bags. I see you added two small ones as to your normal purse.

Chief: … It’s a shoulder bag. I’m holding these for the Exec and the Corporal.

GAIA: Ah. This custom is called …?

Chief: Being screwed.

GAIA: Now I have a pop up for an ‘Astrologer’? What is the purpose of this?

Chief: It helps support the mentally defective and unskilled.

GAIA: Like the Procurement Branch!

Chief: There you go!

Ensign: Hey! Hey you two! Is the whole crew here?

Chief: Hello Skipper. Possibly. We just saw the Nok family in the pizzeria. L’rre jumped into the ball pit there and mom and pop were wading through it trying to find her. What is it about voles and ball pits?

Ensign: I don’t know. Hello ma’am … hello uh …

Jenn: Corporal … Jenn … Marine will do. We play poker for gosh sakes.

Exec: Ensign … do you become tongue-tied at the sight of any woman’s shoulders?

Ensign: No ma’am!

Exec: Oh. Only my shoulders.

Exec: No ma’am I ah … GAIA … how are you?

GAIA: I am being blinded by pop ups. I accessed the Mall wifi.

Ensign: Dear Lord. Better to eat plague ridden meat.

GAIA: I feel like I need a shower. Help. Now some exiled prince needs my help to extricate him from financial difficulties! Must aid ...

Exec: Override! Override! Override! It’s a scam. No human is in distress … except maybe for the Ensign blinded by women’s shoulders. Poor sweetie. Ensign, would you escort GAIA to the Port Circuit establishment and shore up her firewalls there?

Jenn: Oooh Port Circuit … I wonder if they got the new ‘Harp’ 3D VR FPS?

Ensign: C’mon Corporal. Follow us.

Exec: Yes. Bring your shoulders with you.

GAIA: Maybe one of you could steer me?

Ensign: Give me your hand. Steer you indeed.

Chief: Corporal! Take your Kitty Kat bag! Pink isn’t my color.

Jenn: Aye Chief. You’re more an autumn. … Bye!

Exec: Let’s sit down a minute. Are you tired?

Chief: I have been on maneuvers less taxing than a day of shopping with a lady such as yourself.

Exec: Sorry, Eustace.

Chief: I thought we’d never be alone when Jenn hooked up with us.

Exec: Heh. Yeah. Put a little cramp in your style, didn’t she? But we’re alone now.

Chief: Yeah, you, me, and your shoulders. Skippy has good taste. You have beautiful shoulders, Philomena.

Exec: <Smooch> Call me Phil. This was a crazy day.

Chief: I wound up with you so I have no complaints. Hail Eris.

I'm pretty sure the shopping center in some form will be with humanity as it moves out into the galaxy with shops of interest to all starfarers. There will be stores and fabricators for you to print exactly what you want or even assemble a kit you want (from bundled 3d printer designs). I'm also pretty sure all the toxic memes of marketing will evolve and bear the same relation to today's advertising that an F-15 bears to a biplane. .

So don't let your android wander around unattended.