Saturday, April 16, 2016

The Best Defense Is a Good Protocol

GAIA Personal Log #3276

(I never thought of having my own log before my involuntary upgrade!)

<<Shimmer shimmer shimmer>>

Exec: That was a fairly smooth ‘porting. I prefer Toff’s style to Mr. Tivk’s.

GAIA: Rrrrrrrr… grrrrr… brrrr.

Ensign: Aye Skipper. GAIA?

Exec: Apparently GAIA prefers Mr. Tivk’s style to Technical Officer’s. Wormholes hate AIs. GAIA? GAIA? … snap out of it!


GAIA: Oh … thank you Ensign!

Ensign: No problem.

Exec: Did you just dopeslap a piece of Fleet hardware that’s pending being upgraded to crew?

Ensign: All in the wrist ma’am. She has a cooling fan that sticks after a ‘porting for some reason.

Exec: Okay on to more serious matters. Our potential abductee’s shack is over that hill. About a half klick. 

GAIA: More like two thirds.

Exec: Look up ‘pedantic’ in your dictionary GAIA.

GAIA: It’s more a thesaurus …


GAIA: You only get one for free, Schaeffer.

Exec: Schaeffer? Oh you’re in trouble, Ensign.

Ensign: Aye ma’am. Totes worth it. 

Exec: Agreed.

Ensign: Ma’am … That opening by the base of the hill? I’m getting some faint em and chemo dynamic signals.

Exec: We don’t have all day for this but go check it out. No adventures. Understood?

Ensign: Aye Skipper.

GAIA: Shall I accompany him?

Exec: No. Stay with me. 

GAIA: Aye ma’am. You wanted to talk with me?

Exec: … yes but how …

GAIA: Please ma’am you’re the acting commander of the Tesla. You don’t just beam down to a planet to grab some citizen on an abduction list. You send the trained ass kickers for that. So obviously you wanted to get me alone. 

Exec: When did you get so insightful?

GAIA: I’ve been reading transcripts concerning you ma’am. Fascinating.

Exec: Oh. Well thank you. Listen GAIA … something about our orders is not right.

GAIA: They seemed quite intelligible

Exec: No I mean we were sent away from Starbase Liberty as well as the dreadnought Concordance and her flotilla. The units covering the base are all being sent away.

GAIA: It seems they want to be kept busy ma’am.

Exec: Add to this our captain is removed and under arrest along with several of our crew.

GAIA: It has impaired our effectiveness and morale.

Exec: Yes! I’m sure the Captain is being a pain in the ass n the Concordance on his way to trial as well. But I was thinking I may have a way to get him back …

GAIA: That’d be wonderful ma’am! Yes yes yes!!! I love the Captain. can we get Mr.Tivk and the Professor back too?

Exec: I’m working on it. Unless Tick turns out to be a Videni I think so.

GAIA: Oh yes …

Ensign: Ma’am! You’ll never guess what I found in the cave!

Exec: You actually found something? I was trying to get rid of you.

Ensign: Aye ma’am, that was the plan but there’s a whole wall of desert varnish in there. It’s a centimeter thick and highly active. It … it rippled and flowed as I watched and created a pictograph of us landing in the shuttle.

Exec: Oh my … that stuff is amazing. Log the find for a follow up. I never get to do any research myself anymore. Sucks.

GAIA: Please elucidate ma’am.

Exec: Can’t you check your database … oh no wifi. Sorry. Desert varnish is an alien life form found on Earth and other planets. Resembling varnish it lives on cave walls leeching metallic element from rocks around it. It’s psionic and attempts to communicate by forming pictographs. The stuff on Earth had designs they thought were created by prehistoric humans scratching their drawing on the walls. 

Ensign: It’s the first real contact we had with aliens! Back when a canoe was high tech! You gotta love it. Only the varnish on Earth went dormant for some reason. Archaeologists thought the pictographs they found in cave walls were scratched in there by primitive humans! But it was the varnish creating the pictures that early humans would imitate! I took a small sample. Maybe we can cultivate this.

Exec: Good man! Now let’s find this hermit on Riasi’s list of abductions.

GAIA: I don’t understand why anyone want to go off the grid and live alone.

Ensign: You’d put an all points bulletin out for me if I took an extra minute to get back to quarters after my watch.

GAIA: I miss you. There’s only so many times I can defrag and check for updates.

<<Pyew! Phew!>>

GAIA: Ensign! Ma’am!! Tesla! This is GAIA we've come under attack humans are stunned possibly impaired …


GAIA: Well damn.

<<Pyew! Pyew! Pyew!!>>

GAIA: You can stop doing that now. It is annoying me but that is all. Please. You are Sanford Vasquez. Why did you attack us?

Vasquez: You ain’t taking me away again, toaster! Get off my planet!

GAIA: This planet was claimed by the Polity a year ago. The Sunny Hills outpost and strip mall was set up a hundred clicks from here.

Vasquez: Goddamit. I hate neighbors! Get your claws up, toaster!

GAIA: Complying. Why did you …

Vasquez: Shut your talk hole! Take your posse and go!

GAIA: Mr. Vasquez we have come to offer you protection. Your name came up among people posted on a slaver’s list. There is a price on your head in the criminal world. We would like to ascertain why.

<<Pyew! Phew!>>

Vasquez: Rowrrrrbazzrr!

GAIA: Please stop stunning my shipmates! Prolonged stunning can cause neurological damage! 

Vasquez: Or what, toaster?

GAIA:As a duly deputized AI of Space Fleet I hereby place you under arrest. Lay down you weapon.

Vasquez: … hahahahahahahaha! Do your worst. You’re knee high to a bug. You ain’t no robot tank. You’re more a three dee printed steno girl.

GAIA: You. Refuse. To. Comply. Initiating defense protocols.

Vasquez: Hey! What …


Vasquez: He … owww!

<<Punch! Punch! Punch!>>

Vasquez: Oww …

GAIA: Yes, I’m little and I have little hands. But they were built out of titanium because they are expensive to replace and I can punch really fast so they hurt. A lot. Damage is determined by kinetic energy derived by mass and speed. Would you like to know how many joules one of my punches has? It’s pretty high. I can punch very fast. Give me that stunner. And that jammer.

Exec: Oooohhh.

Ensign: Yikes. Defense protocol?

GAIA: Yes. It worked. Mr. Vasquez was … malfunctioning and had to be taken offline.

Ensign: Shit!

GAIA: Help ma’am please and I will see about our teleportation.

Ensign: Fast work there Gee. I’m not going to argue with you but …

GAIA: But you are. I did something wrong?

Exec: … the Ensign and I both have stunners on our belts. Why didn’t you grab one and stun his ass?

GAIA: I can’t think of everything!!!