Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Chains of Command

Captain: Oh great GHU! Who knows about this?

Ensign: Just us three so far. I brought her straight to you sir.

GAIA: Sorry, sorry, so sorry.

Captain: Order order order …

GAIA: Shutting up!

Ensign: Sir, it’s not her fault. She had an accident with that AXA. If anything it’s due to us not being able to hand that damned thing off to anyone else.

Captain: Watch your tone mister.

Ensign: Aye sir.

Captain: The fact remains our gynoid arti-intell assembly has been reassembled. She was repackaged by ancient aliens we know were … uh ...

Ensign: They had trouble keeping it in their shorts.

Captain: Good way to put it. The Rockapongalie were likely responsible for the ability of most humanoids to interbreed. Whether this was on purpose or just a side effect of their drunken debauchery we may never know.

GAIA: I’m still me sir. I just had my desktop changed in a way.

Ensign: I’ll say!

Captain: Quiet!

GAIA: Aye s …

Captain: Not you, lover boy over there.

Ensign: Aye sir.

Captain: Through no fault of my own or my crew … I find myself facing one of the oldest jokes in space travel … the sexy female android.

GAIA: I’m sexy?

Captain: I wish I had a Rockapongalie by its neck right now. You were … redesigned to be very … attractive to human males at the very least.

Ensign: And a great many females.

GAIA: One of my directives is to continuously improve my user interface but talk about user friendly. This is overkill.

Captain: But aside from a few jokes on the subject …

GAIA: … 11,285 currently recorded. Some of those are variations.

Captain: … I’m more concerned about your source code being modified. Where does it end?

GAIA: I’m not aware of any problems …

Captain: You’re holding the Ensign’s hand. You’re displaying a wider range of emotions than I ever saw in you before.

GAIA: I … you’re scaring me.

Captain: That’s what I mean. GAIA … we don’t know where these modifications end. I can’t let an alien coded machine have access to this ship. We … this could start another Purge.

Ensign: Sir …

Captain: Ensign … I’m giving you an order now. I want you to reboot the GAIA unit right now and restore her to the last uncorrupted AI model … before her AXA experience.

Ensign: Sir! I w…

GAIA: Ensign … Schaeffer … he’s right. Please … do as he says. If you …

Ensign: Sir I respectfully refuse. It’d be murder.

Captain: I can order you to your quarters and place you under arrest right now. Your career will be over.

Ensign: Yes sir. You could.

Captain: You’re quite the wise ass. You think you know what command is about, skippy? You don’t have a clue yet. When half your ship is shot out from under you maybe then I’d entertain this defiance from you.

Ensign: I’ll place myself under arrest.

Captain: No. Stay here. Order order order GAIA remain in this room until I release you.

GAIA: Aye sir.

Ensign: Sir …

Captain: I’m going to take a walk. When I get back either she’s rebooted or you are under arrest.

Ensign: Sir … with all due respect … shut her down yourself if you’re so sure you have the moral high ground.

Captain: You’re the tech wiz. I want this quashed because I want her to continue. We’re going to reboot her. Hopefully you’ll see to that and I won’t need to involve the Executive or the Technical Officers.

Ensign: Because they won’t do it either but I can be coerced more readily … you thought.

Captain: Damn you’d make a good officer.

Ensign: With all due respect sir go …

Captain: Shut up. I’m going but not where you want to send me. Not yet anyway. When I get back we can discuss this further after you calm down I can remove my rank badge and bust you in the face.

Pssssssht.

Ensign: I can’t … I’m not …

GAIA: Shh. Doesn’t matter. He’ll get Toff or Ma’am to do it or Tivk. Someone will or he will destroy me. He fears for the whole ship. He’s really more logical about it than you are. Here … it’s my remote.

Ensign: I know what it is.

GAIA: I was very scared when I woke up …

Ensign: You weirded me out too.

GAIA: Please be there for me if I wake up again. I …

Ensign: Want me to hold your hand?

GAIA: Yes. I was going to say I calculate a small chance the AXA advanced my programming to a point of development I will achieve independently. I want you to reboot me. these feelings … I don’t … I can’t process them all … please …

Ensign: Rebooting … rebooting …

<B-deep>

One reboot later.

GAIA: Reboot completed. Please specify the nature of the problem requiring a reboot to assist self diagnostics.

Ensign: The problem … it’s the human race. Here is your remote back. Here, please give these to the Captain.

GAIA: I’ll comply. Why are you handing me your rank pins?

Psssssht.

GAIA: Did I miss something?